A New Perspective

Ms. Honey: Matilda, listen to me. You must forget all this. You need to be very careful. Ms. Trunchbull has been humiliated, and she is capable of awful things.

Matilda: I’m not scared of her.

Ms. Honey: You should be. She’s dangerous.

Matilda: So am I.

So am I.

We’ve learned to be afraid. We’ve been taught that the world isn’t safe, but we have the ability to change that. We can change the world not only by changing our perspectives but by learning how to love ourselves. What happened to us was not our fault, however it is our responsibility to heal. They can try to take everything away from us, but there are some things they can never take.

As survivors, we have the ability to pull ourselves out of the worst situations and rebuild ourselves over and over again. Once we remember who we are, and the power they so desperately tried to take away from us, we are the ones they should be afraid of. They try to take our voice away, to take our power away, our strength, and even when it works, we will always have the ability to rise again. Even if we can't see it for ourselves at that moment, it doesn't make it any less true.

They can only take as much power away from us as we allow them to. By using the term allowing, we are actively taking our power back. Allowing means that we once gave permission. Whether we had a choice in that or not is another subject to discuss. We take our power back when we have nothing left to give and it becomes our only option in some cases. We have the power to stop allowing.

We can learn that we don’t have to constantly give by building ourselves to the point of being able to stand our ground. We don’t owe anyone anything and we owe it to ourselves to heal our trauma and learn how to set boundaries. We cannot pour from an empty cup. We get to show people with our words and actions what we are okay with and what we are not. The biggest battles are often fought silently.

Our lives are just that, ours. We get to decide what our fate will be. They were wrong about us. They can be anyone that made us feel that we were not enough, or that we are inherently damaged or unlovable. Usually those people can be the ones that love us the most. They never healed, therefore they projected their flaws and fears onto us.

Every person you meet is simply a mirror reflection of yourself. We can only see through the lens of everything we've been taught or learned. When we see good in others, it's because we have those same aspects within ourselves. When we see the bad, it's because we have or still carry those same attributes within ourselves. Our shadow self is worthy of love and once we learn that, we have the ability to stop projecting that onto the people we care about the most. We have to take that love that we tried to give others and give it to ourselves.

Not every villain, as we’ve learned through recent movies centering around the villains, is malicious and evil. The people that hurt us are just human. What they did was not okay, and understanding them and their actions doesn't always make it easier. Their actions are not justifiable and even if you can find a way to justify them, they have just as much ability to heal as you do and have chosen not to.

One thing I’ve learned through desperately trying to understand the minds of my abusers and people that have hurt me, is that it doesn’t make their actions any less harmful. I had to acknowledge the pain and accept that they may never change. Even if they do change, we don’t have to forgive them until we’re ready. We also don’t have to let them back in unless we decide that we want that.

Once we’re able to form our own identities, it makes it easier to not take on everything they said we were, as who we are. We are not worthless. We are not the things that they said we are. If we only have the ability to see ourselves through what other people see in us or tell us about ourselves then we have a skewed perspective of who we truly are. If they don't see or tell us the good things about us, how are we expected to see the good in ourselves until we have the ability to see it ourselves?

I feel like I finally understand why people stress the importance of loving yourself first. When we don't have that ability or we've never been shown that we are lovable in all forms, it's incredibly dangerous. That makes us vulnerable to abusers. It's also not limited to abusers. People don't have to have malicious intent in order to harm us. Our lack of boundaries and inability to see our worth makes us susceptible to gaslighting and manipulation from even the most well-intentioned partners and friends.

What is even more dangerous is when we excuse their shitty behavior instead of holding them accountable. Everybody has trauma. I do not believe that comparing trauma or saying that one person has it worse than another, is productive. Just about everyone can name at least one person that has had a rougher go at life than they have, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult for you. This isn’t about them, it’s about you finding your power, your voice, your purpose.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I know for a fact that I am the villain in some stories. I had to learn who I am in order to make peace with that. I now know myself well enough not to believe the things people have said about me and to me. I had to be my own hero. I was the only one that could save me, not just from them but from myself. Many tried and failed to rescue me but I didn’t need rescuing, I needed help. I needed to be shown how to do it for myself. I needed tools and healthier coping mechanisms.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been taught that you are a project that requires endless effort and work but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. We don’t need someone to fix us and it isn’t our responsibility to fix others. We have to learn to not only accept others as they are but to learn how to accept and love ourselves throughout the process of healing. We may not be the best version of ourselves yet or who we want to be, but that doesn't make us unworthy of love.

Some of us had to learn how to walk away from people that don't have the capacity to give us what we need. When leaving isn't an option, we have to learn boundaries to be able to maintain those we relationships. Sometimes those relationships lack the maturity or tools to be able to invest that energy into them without leaving us completely drained. I've tried to make myself fit into relationships and friendships that did not serve me and I lost myself in them. I thought something was wrong with me when it had less to do with me and more to do with what they were able to offer at that time.

We hear stories all the time of those that have had to lose everything in order to find gratitude in all that they already had. We don’t have to live that same story. When we live in a state of fear, we are blinded by a limited perspective. We live in a false reality. We believe that everyone is against us and that we somehow deserve the horrible things that have happened to us. Most of the time we’re not even aware that we hold that belief.

We are not meant to be fearless, we are meant to be brave. I have been utterly terrified when I’ve made some of the biggest, life altering decisions in my life. Fear shows us where there is room to grow. I have been afraid, not only about what people will think but if I’m even making the right decision. Fear is not the enemy. Fear shows us where our values lie and what's important to us. We have to learn how to be afraid but continue to do what we're called to do or what we feel is right. We are the only ones that truly know what's best for us.

We’ve learned how to be comfortable in the most uncomfortable situations in order to survive. We are not meant to survive, we are meant to live. Each and every life has a role, a purpose, and I think the most important role we can have is to show up as our most authentic selves. We were never meant to silence or filter ourselves for the comfort of others. If we are too much for anyone, they should go find less. When we allow people to leave or make that choice for ourselves, it leaves room for people that can meet our needs and bring out the best in us.

Nobody has ever told me how beautiful it is on the other side. Healing is a lifelong journey and at times it can be difficult (to put it lightly) but I never truly had the ability to see that there’s a beautiful life waiting for us. I never thought healing would be so beautiful. It's not easy but that doesn't mean it's unattainable.

There is no better gift than being able to genuinely enjoy time with yourself and to love yourself. You know all of your favorite things, your favorite songs, your favorite food, your favorite everything. The moment I felt this pure love for myself, for everything I have worked so hard to give to myself, I heard “we’ve been waiting for you, I’ve been waiting for you."

Today was the first time I truly saw it for myself and I’m so grateful that I didn’t give up. I didn’t allow the world to take this away from me. My childlike wonder, my softness, my love for everything and everyone. I was lost but I found my way through the darkness. Everything that was taken from me in my youth is once again mine to enjoy. We get to decide who we allow in to also enjoy the best parts of ourselves.

The problems and difficulties don’t go away, I learned how to make them not seem so big. Things that once paralyzed me are easier to cope with now. I’ve come such a long way and without the difficulties in my journey, I don’t know if I would be able to enjoy this as much as I did in that moment because everything led me to this point. Every part of my journey made me into who I am. It's so beautiful to go through hard times and come out of the other side maintaining the ability to see the light in others, yet no longer allowing them to harm you. We don't have to let the world make us hard and bitter.

The world has taken a lot from me but I never stopped fighting. I did this for me. I did this for everyone that I have ever loved. I did this for people I don’t even know yet and I’ve come such a long way. It’s a gift to be able to share this with others and I hope that everyone I’ve ever crossed paths with can experience the beauty and love of life. I hope that you don’t stop fighting, because there’s such a beautiful world just waiting for all of us. You are worth it.